Friday, May 02, 2008

Boren Family Values = WWKD

There's word on the street that one Justin Boren has left the University of Michigan for greener pastures, 'er well piggier pastures, at least. Justin was a starter on the Michigan offensive line as a sophomore. His father, Mike, wore number 40 for the Maize and Blue as a linebacker in the 80's. And Mike was a good one. Justin's little brother was widely expected to be a Wolverine until Coach Carr retired, and then became open game.

Father Mike settled the recruitment of his son, once and for all when he proclaimed that both sons would play at the same school (apparently the Borens like to belly up to the trough for extended periods of time, and couldn't swallow the idea of losing quality eating time (mmmmm, we mean family values) intently watching more than one game each Saturday.

Rumors have circulated that Lloyd Carr helped ol' Mike allow his son to transfer from the Maize and Blue to the dark side. Those rumors have now been dispelled. Seems the Colombus Dispatch lacks the investigatory fortitude of Cleveland's Channel 19 Action News.

The reason for Justin's departure has been oft discussed, debated, and even deliberated. Yet, the Borens' proclamation about Justin's departure remains the best evidence for his sudden exodus. Justin delivered his proclamation in writing. It was in writing not because Justin and Mario shared Wonderlich results, but because Justin was simply too busy hanging with his boys Alex Mitchell and Jeremy Ciulla.

We have put together a montage of the family we find most similar to the Borens, which has been sponsoooooorrred by The Pizza House:

Before Justin's lawyers got ahold of him, Justin intended to release his own prepared statement explaining his surrender:

We feel bolemic, anarexic;
Weight loss, we cannot stand it;
We need to get back at it
The Boren Family

The Big House Cannot Hold Us
And Rich Rodriguez Told Us
That Barwis Will Destroy Us
The Boren Family;

Doo doo doo doot


Doo doo doo doot


Doo doo doo doot


So get another pizza;
Or five for us, Mitchell and Ciulla
With Rod around, we'll see 'ya;
The Boren Family

Carl Monday did attempt to interview the Borens about this amazing development. When Carl showed up in the Boren family Colombus bathroom, Father Mike became irate, and handed a bracelet to Carl with the following inscription: "WWKD?"